Accepting God’s Will When It Seems Unjust

From the beginning of my sobriety, I always felt the need to fend for myself when it came to God’s will. Although I had no doubt God saved me from alcoholism, I wasn’t convinced he had my best interests at heart when it came to everything else in my life. It clearly was a miracle that I was sober, undoubtedly something I could not deny or have achieved on my own. Yet, the rest of my life had left me with a feeling of abandonment by the God of my understanding. It would take many years,  actually decades, to believe no matter what happened, it was all part of a bigger plan that I was not privy to. In my eyes, the course of my life before I was given the gift of sobriety, had sent a clear message: God did not care about me.

As a child, I wanted nothing more than to be loved by my parents, to feel I belonged and to have a sense of self. Sadly, I was never granted any of these things. Instead, I learned I was unworthy, unlovable and undeserving of happiness – a message my mother conveyed to me often. As the years went on, nothing I dreamed of or wanted came to fruition and I would lose my best childhood friend and the only family member I loved, my dog. Without my knowledge, my dog was given away: I would never see her again. I believe this was the point when I lost all faith in a God who was looking out for me.

By the time I reached the rooms of AA, I was broken. Being young, I put on a great  façade, which displayed a carefree young woman, but underneath it all I was scared, unsure and lacked faith. Through the trials and tribulations of my drinking, like many of us, my life had become a  series of pain and suffering. At the time, I did not realize how fortunate I was to be alive and to be given chance after chance to change the direction I was going. In my desperation to stay sober, I prayed to God on a daily, hourly and minute to minute basis. For a good 5 months, maintaining sobriety was a constant struggle and since I had spent the previous 4 years trying, in and out of rehabs and meetings, I had little faith in my ability to succeed. Somehow, by putting one foot in front of the  other, praying to God, and clinging to the rooms, fellow AA’s and the phone, I was able to maintain abstinence and through a miracle, my compulsion and obsession to drink was lifted.

After I became confident in my ability to stay sober, it was as if I said “Okay God, I’ll take it from here”. I will be the first to say when I tell my story, I would have had a much easier journey through sobriety had I not insisted on determining what I should have in my life.

Many of my attributes: tenacity, determination and unwavering focus, although beneficial at times, have also been my downfall. When it came to the 3rd step, I would have to exhaust all possibilities in my quest to get what I perceived I needed in my life before I begrudgingly gave up for the time being. It took years and years, before I understood the true meaning of the Serenity Prayer. I honestly thought “change the things I can” meant I had to work feverishly to figure out what I could possibly change. It was only within the last few years I began to understand the true meaning of the phrase; I can only change myself.

When the time came that I needed God’s help and to trust in his will, the results were anything but what I had hoped and prayed for. To be honest, they were devastating. In my 13th year of sobriety, I met the only person I have ever loved in my life. Until this point, I honestly believed I was incapable of feeling true, unconditional love for another human being, yet here it was staring me in the face and I could not deny it. I wanted to be with him more than anything in the world and live the fairy tale of happily ever after.

We had some beautiful times together, but unfortunately, we shared the same  disease, and  sadly, he never was able to stay clean. After trying everything in my power to change the trajectory of his life, I surrendered and gave him to God. I remember feeling a great sense of peace in turning over my will and handing it to God, believing everything would be okay. A weight had been lifted, and I went on about my life, trusting God would take care of this precious man.

The morning the phone call came informing me that the love of my life had died, I was in shock, disbelief and devastated. It was as if someone had pulled the rug out from under me. How could this have happened? I let my guard down, trusted God and this was the result? How could God be so cruel? I had never truly practiced the 3rd step and when I did, I was left with pain that would stay with me for the rest of my life; it was just incomprehensible.

Although the thought of drinking did not enter my mind, I wasn’t sure how I was going to go on with my life. At that moment, I couldn’t imagine feeling joy, anticipation or hope ever again.  I also felt alone, as most people, in and out of AA, could not understand the depth of love I had for a “boyfriend”. I was left with a sense of abandonment by others and God that would stay with me for a very long time.

It has been many years since I lost the great love of my life. Though the pain is still there, the way I perceive God’s will has changed. My experience thoroughly taught me I have little control over what happens in life. As a result, I no longer hold on tightly to what I think I need or want. Instead, I let life play out.

I don’t know why things happen the way in which they do. I would like to believe, when we leave this earth, it will all be explained to us and make perfect sense. Perhaps we will learn our paths were chosen ones, charted out to teach the lessons we needed to learn.

In the meantime, I am still here and still sober, living each day to the best of my ability. I have no idea of what God’s will is for me on a daily basis, I just have to have faith, that no matter what happens, it’s all part of bigger and grander plan. I do know, it was only through my experience that I gained the understanding and empathy to be compassionate and loving to those who are dealing with a significant loss and, maybe, have the ability to help them through to the other side.

By Lisa F.