The Meeting – My Story

Well here I sit again looking around the room and wondering for the umpteenth time what am I doing here.

I haven’t had a drink in over 9+ years and I don’t want to drink now but yet here I am. It is true that over 2 years have passed since I was here and much of the destruction of that previous life has been mended or replaced. The fix provided by these very same rooms from those early days of helplessness and hopelessness is all I really need to live without my addiction. Isn’t it? I mean I’m cured. Right? Then why is the noise inside of my head driving me crazy? Why does my heart feel ready to explode? Where did that old fear of waiting for the other shoe to drop come from?

Hadn’t I just left a difficult relationship where the primary means of communicating was yelling at each other at 2 AM or living in silence? Now I’m free to go where and when and with whomever I want to. I clearly remember the elation as I was driving away, Free at last Free at last Thank God I’m free at last.

That lasted till the bottom of the hill and the 2nd stop sign I came to. Now what? My mind was clearly telling me I can do anything, maybe drink (no, that always ended badly), chase companionship (no, that got me in this predicament), maybe try some of those drugs I’m always hearing about (no, even more clearly remembering the folks in the rooms that spoke of their drug love affairs as being more beat up than I was).

What to do? So here I sit. Looking around. We are a curious collection of folks. Definitely those who would not mix.

God they love to whine or pontificate how great the program is and god has saved their lives and they all see the world with hearts filled with gratitude and the program is vital to their survival and their sponsors’ are always there for them.

Then it comes out that all of this has happened in all of 90 days sober. Well stick around buddy and you’ll find out what life’s really like as the days turn to months and months turn to years. Yah, what am I doing here?

And so there I sat on a daily basis sometime 2 or 3 times a day. Now having lots more time since there wasn’t another consumer of time and high maintenance needs demanding me. Sitting and listening and thinking and judging and getting angrier and angrier followed by lots of poor mes.

What do I think I’m going to get out of this? Why isn’t it working? Why aren’t the obsessive thoughts being removed? What’s wrong with me? Maybe I’ll go over and talk with that good looking blond who I’m sure needs the wisdom of my many years. Why does the topic have to been on the sex inventory? Probably need to raise my hand and demonstrate what a wise thinker I am. Maybe spew some of those great war story drunkalogs. That should impress these folks especially the young ones. Might even want to dress them up a little.

While it is true that I was a blackout drinker with more than several to my credit yet wouldn’t it sound better if it were hundreds or thousands. And why don’t I talk about all those prisons and jails.(yes I know there were only 2 and they were connected).

Wait what did that older fellow just say? That, while he’s been around for a few 24 hours (the gal next to me chuckles and says quietly ”yah 23 years of a few 24 hours”) he still needs to talk about honesty and humility cause the old shortcomings of grandiosity and big shotism stays with you forever.

So there I sat waiting for the miracle. They told me it would show up sooner or later. So I sat and sat and sat. And then he showed up.

I had been sitting for the better part of 90 days, yes 90 seems to be a significant number. Read in a Psychology Today while in prison, of course, that change requires a process of recognition, willingness to change, a plan of action, and reinforcement. Go figure. But I digress.

My miracle, let’s call him Jim as I don’t remember what his name was, looked in good health, walked with an air of confidence and smiled a lot. He got a cup of coffee and sat down. The meeting started in the usual way: readings, intros, passing the basket. Chairperson then read a passage from the Big Book on Step 11 which talks about seeking closer contact with God as we understand God and how to go about doing that.

Immediately I thought that this should give the Bible Thumpers ample opportunity to go on and on about their God. This turned out to be farthest from what actually happened. After a couple of minutes of silence Jim started talking. He talked about his early days of drunkenness and disastrous decisions, Talked about getting fired up with the program, with staying sober, with service work, meeting new and different people; people who would normally not mix. Of getting a sponsor to help him through the steps. Of getting involved in book studies and weekend retreats in or out of town. Of doing the deal day in and day out.

And then something happened. He lost interest. He believed he was fixed and ready to face life on life’s terms head-on. All of what had gotten him sober and happy no longer could satisfy his need for more.

He slowly stopped meetings, service work and helping others. Got deeply into his work, made lots of money, married the girl of his dreams and was set to live happily every after. But didn’t.

Life had other ideas. His company went broke, the girl of his dreams left with his best friend, his parents both died within weeks of each other. He was shattered. The bottle called to him. Told him that it could make all this pain go away. First drink and we’re off. His heart felt like bursting. His pain was almost unbearable.

Then from out of the blue came a thought. “We are a 100 men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. To show Precisely how we did this is what this book is all about”

Jim found a meeting that night, an 11th step meeting, and at that meeting a fellow just like him told his story. Jim had come home. He then explained how he became a newcomer again; 90 meetings in 90 days, got a sponsor to take him through the steps, found and regularly attends a home group. He Learned to meditate as suggested in the 11th step, became willing to see things differently no matter what his mind was telling him. And he learned to love. To love the chair in the meetings he sat in. Love the folks who wouldn’t normally mix. Love seeing life differently.

I did what Jim suggested. That was 25 years ago. Today is happy joyous and free.

By: Jon B.